Monday, July 18, 2011

Shaka Zulu vs. Alexander the Great

Disclaimer: I don't own Deadliest Warrior; but I wish I did.

Deadliest Warrior, Chapter 1: Shaka Zulu vs. Alexander The Great

Shaka Zulu; the fierce African Warlord who built a Zulu army that killed 2 million enemies, and transformed a continent.
(We see Shaka leading his fellow Zulus into battle).

Alexander The Great; the warrior king, whose brutal tactics carved out one of the largest empires in history.
(We see Alexander at the head of a massive army).

                                               WHO IS DEADLIEST?
To find out, our world class fighters are testing histories most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is....THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Shaka Zulu:
c. 1781 - 1828
Southeast Africa
Gear: 7 - 10 LBS
Armor: Ox-Hide Shield

Alexander The Great:
340 - 323 BC
Height - 5' 7"
Weight - 155 LBS
Armor - Bronze Cuirass

Narrator:  Here in the Fight Club, we take four weapons used by African Warlord Shaka Zulu:

Zulu Axe
Spit of Poison

Narrator:  and compare them to the weapons used by the warrior king Alexander The Great:


Narrator:  First the two teams will test their mid range weaponry: Shaka Zulu's Iklwa spear, against Alexander's Xyston spear.

A member of Shaka's team steps forward, the Iklwa held firmly in his hand. He turns to the gel dummy and, with a quick thrust, impales the spear deep into its chest.

But Alexander's team is not impressed. They say the spear would never breach Alexander's armor.

So a new dummy is brought out, this one wearing a replica of Alexander's Bronze Cuirass. Shaka's team member steps up and jabs at the dummy again, and manages to breech the armor, though not as deep as the first time.

Dr. Dorian: Now this is impressive because I didn't think it would be able to get through Alexander's armor.

Next Alexander's team goes to test the deadly Xyston spear. A dummy is set up. Alexander's teammate takes the Xyston in two hands and drives the spear forward and manages to completely pierce the dummy, with part of the spear sticking out the back.

Dr. Dorian: This weapon is certainly deadly, however it's a weapon meant to be used on hose back, not ground warfare, so it can be somewhat cumbersome. But against an un-armored opponent like Shaka, one good hit could be it. On the other hand the Iklwa is easy to use, and can somewhat pierce Alexander's armor, but lacks the reach of the Xyston. In the end, both these weapons have their pros and cons, and are pretty much dead even.

Edge: Even

Narrator:  Next the two teams will test out their respective warriors deadly long range weapons: The Iwisa and Gastraphetes.

The Zulu team steps up two a couple of balls suspended in the air and surrounded by glass, meant to simulate human heads. The iwisa flew through the air and broke the glass and shattered the two balls, causing blood to splash everywhere.

But the Alexander team is not impressed, claiming that their weapon can go much farther. So the teams head out to a field with targets spaced much farther away. After the argues process of loading the weapon, the teammate finally fires the weapon. The bolt flies through the air, and hits one of the tummies in the face.

Dr Dorian: Both these weapons are deadly, the Gastraphetes goes farther, but takes forever to load, the Iwisa is easier to handle, but doesn't go as far.

Narrator: As a final test of these weapons, the two teams place them against the opposing teams defenses.

Once more the Gastraphetes is aimed, but this time at an enemy gel torso placed behind a Ishlangu shield. The bolt fires and pierces the shield like it's tissue paper. On the other hand, when the Iwisa is thrown at a skull wearing Alexander's helmet, it just bounces off.

Dr. Dorian: Well, despite its long load time, it's clear that the Gastraphetes is much more lethal.

Edge: Alexander

Narrator: Now the two teams go toe-to-toe to test their respective sides close range weaponry: The Kopis and the Zulu Axe.

Team Alexander steps up to a hanging pig carcass, Kopis blade in hand, and began hacking away at it. After twenty seconds, he stepped back and allowed the doctor to examine the results.

Dr. Dorian: While some of these cuts are indeed lethal, a lot of them are a bit shallow. Also, none of the bones are broken, and the cuts just go along the ribs as opposed to cutting them.

Next Team Zulu steps up to a fresh pig carcass, and swings their fearsome Zulu Axe down on the flesh. The blade bites deep into the animal, and the sound of bones breaking can be heard.

Dr. Dorian: Now here we see a weapon that not only cuts deep, but also breaks the bones, and that can cause a whole host of other deadly injuries. I've got to give this one to Shaka.

Edge: Shaka Zulu

Narrator: For the final test, each team will test a special weapon, that they think will tip the fight in their favor. Shaka Zulu's Spit of Poison or Alexander's Ballista?

Shaka's teammate steps up to a dummy. He takes a mouthful of the herbal poison and then spits it in the dummies face, making sure to get it in the dummies eyes.

Alexander's team, however, is not impressed. They say that while a spit-take was fine for the "Three Stooges", it wasn't worth much in battle. That was when they brought out the Ballista.

This was the point where the team went out to the firing range to test the siege weapon. Alex's team makes the proper adjustments then fires the weapon at a group of targets several hundred feet away. The bolt flew through the air and hit a dummy square in the chest, marking an instant-kill. It also caused the dummy to fall over into its fellow, making them fall as well.

Dr Dorian: While it doesn't have the fastest reload time, it is a lethal weapon. While the poison does have some element of stealth to it, it really doesn't compare. So your eyes are burning, big deal, this other guy is dead.

Edge: Alexander

Narrator: With all the testing complete, Max Geiger uploads the data gathered from the tests into the battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studio, to simulate a battle to the death between these two warriors. To make sure that victory isn't snatched by a single lucky blow, the battle will be simulated 1000 times. Who will win in this battle of legendary leaders? Alexander The Great, the warrior king, and ruler of one of the largest empires of all time? Or Shaka Zulu, the African warlord who transformed a continent?

Close Range Edge: Shaka's Zulu Axe

Mid Range Edge: Even between the Iklwa and the Xyston

Long Range Edge: Alexander's Gastraphetes

Special Weapon Edge: Alexander's Ballista

It's time to find out which warrior is truly the deadliest. Max hits the button on the computer, and suddenly the screen goes "Matrix" on us.

The fight takes place on a savanna  hillside, Alexander, mans a ballista, his horse nearby. Looking down the slope, he sees Shaka running his way, Iklwa spear in one hand, Ishlangu shield in the other.
Taking aim, Alex fires his ballista, but Shaka sees the bolt coming down at him and moves out of the way. Shaka picks up speed and continues to make his way toward Alex. Alex readies another bolt on the ballista and fires, but misses again. Grunting in frustration, Alex mounts his horse, positions his xyston, and charges the oncoming Zulu.
Shaka sees the charge, and rolls to avoid. Turning, he tosses an iwisa club at the back of Alexander's head; but the wooden stick merely bounces harmlessly off the steel helmet.
Alexander turns his horse around, and charges again. Shaka sidesteps his thrust, and slices at the horse with his iklwa. The horse rears, and throws Alexander off his back. Taking advantage of his downed foe, Shaka attempts to finish the fight.
Looking up, Alex thrust his xyston forward, but the cumbersome lance only manages to pierce the oncoming Zulu's shield, instead of his head. Still not one to not take advantage of any battle situation, Alex jerks the xyston to the side, thus pulling the shield from Shaka's hand and causing him to lose balance.
Annoyed at the loss of his shield, Shaka steadies himself and draws his Zulu axe; eyeing his opponent wearily, as he too has risen, drawing his kopis sword and shield.
Alex swings with his sword, but Shaka doges. Shaka returns by burying the blade of his axe deep into Alexander's shield. Pulling back, the shield is yanked from the warrior king's hand.
Alex frowned, twice now he had been disarmed. He watched as Shaka attempted to distract him with some strange jumping and shouting. But the distraction failed, and Alex was ready for the attack as Shaka attempted to impale him with his iklwa. Using his superior martial - arts training, Alex sidestepped and grabbed the arm holding the offending weapon. Twisting his opponents wrist, he forced Shaka to drop the weapon.
Alex was then forced to duck as Shaka attempted to take his head off with the axe, but only managed to cut some of the plumage from his helmet. Shaka too was forced to jump back as Alex attempted to lacerate him with the kopis. He managed to get a cut across the chest, but, unfortunately for Alex, it was nothing too serious.
The two warriors stood facing one another, summing up their opponent. Suddenly Shaka jumped forward, and tackled Alex to the ground, swinging his axe downward, hoping to decapitate his enemy and end the fight.
But Alex managed to catch the axe-hand mid swing, stopping its decent. Sadly for Alex, the unorthodox tackle had taken him by surprise, and when he hit the ground, he'd ended up dropping his sword, which fell out of reach.
Mustering the last of his strength, Alex managed to throw Shaka off him. Standing quickly Alex ran to the spot where his horse had first thrown him.
But Shaka wasn't far behind. Sensing victory might be close at hand he began the chant: "Zulu!" "Zulu!" "Zulu!" "Zulu!" as he chased his armored foe.
Knowing his enemy was right behind him, Alex dived for the bundle he saw on the ground where he'd first fallen, glad to see it was already pre-loaded. Rolling over, he faced his screaming adversary: "Zulu!" "Zulu!" "Zulu!" and fired his gastraphetes.  "Zulu!" "Zul - !..."
The bolt flew true, and pierced the African warlord right through his heart. For a moment all was calm, then slowly, Shaka Zulu collapsed, dead. Alex paused for a second, to make sure he was dead, then stood, and screamed out to the heavens in victory. Then when he'd gotten it out of his system, went to go find his horse, so that he might get back to his men.

Winner: Alexander The Great.

Alexander The Great: 513

Kopis: 147

Xyston: 252

Gastraphetes: 80

Ballista: 34

Shaka Zulu: 487

Zulu Axe: 106

Iklwa: 343

Iwisa: 38

Spit of Poison: 0

Narrator: In this battle between two of histories greatest leaders, Alexander proved to be the better man, with an impressive 513 kills to his credit, due mostly in part to his xyston spear.

Dr. Dorian: I'm not all that surprised by the fact that Alexander won. The fact is that while Shaka's iklwa was an impressive weapon, Alexander weapons have the ability to do large amounts of damage and kill at almost any range.

We see Alexander back at his base camp. He holds in his hand the iklwa spear of the fallen Shaka Zulu, his eyes fixed on campaign maps, already planning his next great conquest.

The End.


  1. its great to see you on blogspot man! go to my profile and go to revised table of contents to find most of the rest of the Deadliest Warrior crew.

  2. nice battle, and I knew alexander would win, but not a close match, no, more of a lopsided match.