IRA vs. Yakuza

Disclaimer: I don't own Deadliest Warrior; but I wish I did.

Deadliest Warrior, Chapter 2: IRA vs. Yakuza

Narrator:
The Irish Republican Army; unstoppable urban guerillas who waged a bloody savage war for Irish independence.
(We see a group of IRA agents working on explosives in their hidden base).

Narrator:
The Yakuza; cruel warlords of Japan's underworld.
(We see a Yakuza hit-man gun down a member of a rival gang).

                                                  WHO IS DEADLIEST?
To find out, our world class fighters are testing histories most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is....THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

IRA:
Height - 5' 11"
Weight - 180 LBS
Armor - None
Gear - 30 LBS

Yakuza:
Height - 5' 6"   
Weight - 150 LBS   
Armor - None 
Gear - 10 LBS

Narrator:  Here in the Fight Club, we take five weapons used by
IRA guerillas:

LPO-50 Flame Thrower
AR-15 Armalite
Sling Shot
Webley Revolver
Nail Bomb

Narrator: And see how they compare against the weapons used by the ruthlessly efficient Yakuza:

Walther P38
Sten Gun
Sai
Nunchaku
Ceramic Grenade

Narrator: First the two teams will test out their respective mid-range firearms: The IRA flame-thrower and the Yakuza P38.

The IRA went first, and Fred stepped forward onto the firing range, an IRA LPO-50 Flame-Thrower on his back. After aiming, he pulled the trigger. A stream of red hot fire flew from the barrel and engulfed the three dummies. The temperature measurement was off the charts and it was quite apparent that had the dummies been real people, they'd definitely be dead.

Dr. Dorian: This weapon is scary. At the heat of those flames, it is literally cooking these men from the inside out.

Next was Bob, representing the Yakuza, holding the Walther P38. His target, three artificial skulls. Aiming, he fired three shots: the first skull was hit right through the forehead; the second hit the skull threw the left eye socket. The final clipped the forehead, but was finished by a fourth shot, which went through the jaw.

Dr. Dorian: This weapon is very good for mid range accuracy, and can certainly kill, if it hits the right spot. But since it's such a small caliber, a missed shot might not prove deadly, and that could be all the time an opponent needs to finish you off. With the flame thrower, even if they get out of the fire alive, they'd be in far too much pain to be much of a threat. That why I have to give the advantage to the flame-thrower.

Edge: IRA

Narrator: Next the teams will test out their long range weaponry: The Yakuza Sten Gun, and the IRA Armalite.

Bob went first this time, and as he loaded his sten he surveyed his targets: Several dummies in IRA attire in a replica of an IRA hideout. Upon receiving the signal he opened fire. He shot each of the five dummies with quick controlled bursts. After a few seconds he stopped and the bodies were examined. Each body had several bullets through the chest, and some had as many as three threw the face. It was declared that each dummy was "dead".

Next was Fred who was checking out his IRA Armalite while checking out the target range: Four Yakuza dummies in a generic Japanese market. At the signal from the testers he opened fire, he peppered the first three in the chest with bullets, but when he got to the fourth, the gun jammed. Fred was able to fix the gun in a couple of seconds and finish the run, but the damage had been done in the eyes of the examiners.

Dr. Dorian: While they are both decent weapons, I think the sten is the superior gun. The Armalite may have the better accuracy, but the Sten is much less likely to jam. In a deadly fire-fight a jam is a catastrophe.

Edge: Yakuza

Narrator: Now the two teams will test out their short range weapons: The IRA slingshot and the Yakuza Sai.

Fred, eager to make up for his loss in the long range round took aim with his slingshot. With a quick snap the small metal ball being used as ammunition hit the target skull in the eye.

Next was Bob wielding  a wicked set of sai. Stepping toward his clone, he executed a series of jabs with the blades. The blades pierced the dummy easily and and some jabs had the blades poking out the back.

Dr. Dorian: Both of these are rather unusual weapons, but they can get the job done. That said, I've often had to treat people for knife wounds, but I've never had to treat anyone for a slingshot wound.

Edge: Yakuza.

Narrator: Now the two teams will demonstrate two weapons unique to their warriors: The Yakuza Nunchaku and the IRA Webley Revolver.

Bob, now twirling a set of nunchaku, advanced on his dummy. He then executed three quick strikes to the head. The first two didn't seem to do much, though the last seemed like it caused a slight concussion.

Fred just rolled his eyes, "Let me help you with that" he said, pointing his revolver at Bob's dummy's skull. With a single shot the dummy's brains quickly decorated the floor.

Dr. Dorian: This time there is no comparison. The nunchaku is very flashy, and can do some moderate physical damage, but just not anywhere near the level of a gun.

Edge: IRA.

Narrator: Finally the two teams will test their most explosive weapons: The IRA Nail Bomb, and the Yakuza Ceramic Grenade.

The Yakuza went first again, with Bob hanging a grenade in between three suspended pigs. Once everyone was out of range the grenade was detonated with a loud bang.

When the smoke cleared, the doctor looked at the three bodies. The body closest to the explosion was dead. The next one was likely to have a busted eardrum and maybe a collapsed lung. Either way, severely injured. The last was likely to be dizzy and uncoordinated.

After that Fred carefully set up the IRA nail bomb. Next to it he placed several dummies at various distances. Again everyone was cleared and then the device was set off. The result was a much bigger bang, and a large cloud of smoke.

When it cleared the destruction was evident. The dummies were simply riddled with nails all along their face and torso.

Dr. Dorian: Both of these weapons are horrifying. The ceramic grenade is slightly better in that it is easier to transport, but the level of destruction offered by the nail bomb easily makes up for it.

Edge: IRA

Narrator: With all the testing complete, Max Geiger uploads the data gathered from the tests into the battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studio, to simulate a battle to the death between these two warriors. To make sure that victory isn't snatched by a single lucky blow, the battle will be simulated 1000 times. Who will win in this battle of opposites? The IRA, who go for all out carnage? Or the Yakuza, who strike with deadly precision?

Close Range Edge: Yakuza Sai

Mid Range Edge: IRA Flame-Thrower

Long Range Edge: Yakuza Sten Gun

Special Weapon Edge: IRA Webley Revolver

Explosive Weapon Edge: IRA Nail Bomb

It's time to find out which warrior is truly the deadliest. Max hits the button on the computer, and suddenly the screen goes "Matrix" on us.

The starts off in a hotel lobby. Five IRA guerrillas enter through the main entrance, all heavily-armed. At the same time five Yakuza hit-men get off of the elevator across from the entrance, also armed. Upon seeing each other the two groups immediately open fire on each other. The first to die is an IRA, his chest riddled with bullets from a sten. The second is a yakuza, a shot from an Armalite hitting him right between the eyes. After that the groups spilt up: Three IRA run out the main entrance into the parking lot, with two yakuza in pursuit. The last IRA runs down into the labyrinth of tunnels that was the hotel basement. One of the yakuza decides to follow him instead of heading outside. The last yakuza runs up a set of side stairs to avoid the gun fire.

Yakuza: I I I I                        IRA: I I I I

A yakuza pursued an IRA and saw him turn a corner. Smirking, the man took out his Walther and and turned the corner, prepared to fire. He never got the chance since as soon as he turned that corner he was engulfed in flames. He screamed out as his body was consumed by the fires of the IRA's flame-thrower.

Yakuza: I I I                        IRA: I I I I

Inside the hotel, the yakuza who had taken the stairs heard the scream of his comrade. Heading to a nearby window, he opened it and looked down to see his fellow yakuza getting barbecued. Deciding to take revenge, he reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a ceramic grenade. Pulling the pin he let the grenade fall down toward the unsuspecting IRA member.

Down below, said IRA was just about to step over the body to make his way back to his comrades when he heard "thunk" of something bouncing off his flame-thrower pack. Turning to see what it was, he only had time to widen his eyes at the sight of the grenade before it went off, blowing him sky high.

Yakuza: I I I                         IRA: I I I

In the bowls of the basement an IRA was setting up his bomb equipment and attempting to attach them to the support beams of the hotel. Half-way through he heard someone come in behind him. He turned and saw a yakuza with a pair of nunchaku. The yakuza let out a war cry and expertly spun the nunchaku in skillful display. The IRA rolled his eyes pulled out his webley revolver and shot the yakuza in the chest, before going back to his work.

Yakuza: I I                          IRA: I I I

An IRA ran from his yakuza pursuer. In an attempt to escape he ran behind an eighteen-wheeler for cover, and drew his slingshot. When the yakuza turned the corner the IRA shot him with the slingshot. Unfortunately the pellet only hit the yakuza in the shoulder. The yakuza drew a pair of sai and rushed forward. With a sideways arcing swing, he stabbed the IRA's hand and pinned it to the side of the eighteen-wheeler. The IRA tried to punch his attacker but the yakuza grabbed the wrist, and stabbed it to the eighteen-wheeler too. The IRA kicked out, hitting the yakuza in the nose, breaking it. Now furious, the yakuza drew a third sai and rushed forward; and impaled the IRA threw the neck with the blade. Satisfied he was dead, the yakuza left the now crucified man and made his way back to the hotel.

Yakuza: I I                           IRA: I I

An IRA had hidden behind a car soon after the fight was taken outside. After making sure his Armalite was loaded, the IRA cautiously looked over the car for the enemy. There he spied a yakuza heading back toward the hotel. The IRA stood up and unloaded several shots into the yakuza before he knew what hit him.

Yakuza: I                              IRA: I I

That same IRA made his way back into the hotel, hoping to find his comrade. On entering he quickly headed toward the basement to check on his friends progress. He never noticed the yakuza coming down the stairs behind him. The yakuza drew his Walther and shot the IRA in the head. The man was dead before he hit the ground. The yakuza stepped over him and headed into the basement himself.

Yakuza: I                           IRA: I

 Hearing footsteps approaching, the last IRA looked up, he'd just finished work, and had just started the timer, and was now packing up. He quickly ran toward the basement window and just managed to make it out. Looking back through it he saw the last yakuza enter the room. Glad it was not one of his friends, the last IRA took off.

The yakuza entered the room pistol drawn. His eyes immediately went to the form of his fallen friend. He ran to him quickly to check for a pulse. Finding none, he was distracted by a strange beeping noise. Looking around he found its source: A clock rigged to several explosives attached to various support beams. His eyes widened as he saw the clock about to hit zero. "OH SHI...." BOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Outside the IRA turned to look at the collapsing hotel. He smirked, and raising his hand gave a cry to his fallen brothers: "FOR IRELAND-!!"

Yakuza: 0                        IRA: I

Winner: IRA

IRA: 552

AR-15 Armalite: 320

Nail Bomb: 135

Flame-Thrower: 75

Webley Revolver: 17

Sling Shot: 5

Yakuza: 448

Sten Gun: 365

Ceramic Grenade: 32

Sai: 20

Walther P38: 16

Nunchaku: 15

Narrator: In this battle of opposites, it was the fearsome freedom fighters, the IRA, that managed victory. With their powerful Armalite and Nail Bomb both scoring triple digit kills, they were able to blast the yakuza off the streets and into the morgue.

Dr. Dorian: I'm not really surprised the IRA won, their weapons were meant to be used to take out large groups and they work very well in small cells. The yakuza, I think relied a bit to much on precision.

We see the last living IRA member back at the hideout, with a new cell; already planning their next attack.

The End.